Your Vocabulary Just Filed a Restraining Order (And Other Signs You're Having a Linguistic Breakdown)

A survival guide for when your mouth starts telling the truth without permission

Your tongue just became a whistleblower and honestly? The tea it’s spilling could flood Manhattan. That polite phrase “How are you?”, your throat closed faster than a dive bar at sunrise. “I’m fine” rejected like a bad organ transplant. Here’s what’s actually happening: Your consciousness hired a hitman for your vocabulary, and the casualties are spectacular. You’re standing in your kitchen, pointing at the coffee maker calling it “the hot box of morning salvation” because the word “coffee” evacuated your brain faster than billionaires during tax season.

When Your Body Treats Text Messages Like Ransom Notes

Let me tell you something that’s going to piss off every communication expert: Your nervous system can’t tell the difference between a WhatsApp notification and a kidnapping attempt. No, seriously.

That “Can we talk?” text at 2:47 AM? Your spine just declared martial law. Your cortisol spiked like crypto in 2021 (before the crash, obviously). Your body’s running emergency evacuation …